WIMI: Being Right or Together?

What is more important? Being right or being together?

This question comes up in my mind frequently as I hear stories from clients and friends about a conversation they had that went wrong. Usually when people ask for our advice on something or are venting to us it is because they want us to validate how they were right in the situation, or it could be to prove the other person was wrong.

Why do we focus on being right?

Well, if we are not right then we are... and if we are... then we are less than, we are idiots, we are dumb, we are (insert any insecurity here). We grow up our whole lives being told that if we get it wrong then we are essentially horrible human beings. That we clearly don't care enough otherwise we would have gotten it right. This could not be further from the truth. We are always learning and growing and in order to grow and learn we have to make mistakes. We have to stumble a little bit to learn how to be better. Of course there are people who learn to be better and still choose to be terrible, but we are not like that... are we? We want to be our best selves, we want to show up for people all the time, we want to be the person everyone can depend on. If we are wrong, idiots, etc... then how can people depend on us? How can we ever hope to get it right?

How does this affect my relationships?

No one likes to be around someone who is always in your face about being right. Even when that person is ACTUALLY right, and this might even be more annoying to others because now it comes off as self righteous. Also, because if the other person is as worried about being wrong as you are then you can bet that when you win, they feel a loss. Is a relationship about winning and losing, or what is its purpose? What was the point of getting into the relationship to begin with? How can we say it is us against the world when we are living in different worlds and having to hope the other person does not go back on their word and surprise attack us. When you attack the other person with your truth, you still attack. But the hardest thing for humans is to know that life is not about being right or proving others wrong. It could be about how do I support this other person in their journey of learning and growing?

Where do we go wrong?

As soon as you "know" something it means that it is dead. There is no point in talking about what you know because you already decided that it is an undeniable truth. If what you believe is undeniable then why would anyone think anything other than that? How could you let anyone else walk any other path? How can we honor someone else's journey if we already believe they don't know OUR truth?

How can we overcome this?

When you are having a conversation with someone, ask yourself what can I learn from this person? What can I learn from their experiences with this topic? These questions will get you curious. You have to open the windows in order to let the wind carry in fresh air. One thing that Bruce Lee mentions is that our cups must be empty before we can let in more liquid. If you are so focused on keeping your cup full of everything that you "know" then how can anyone enrich your life with their flavor of tea? You can always decide to dump the tea if you prefer to, and I would caution about closing off other views. You will find that the more you can understand about others, the more you will understand about yourself. If knowing is the death of something then as your head is filled with this knowledge you will become dead. We are our thoughts and our thoughts reflect how we perceive and interact with the world. What can you do to ensure that you keep your mind always open to learning and understanding new ideas and thoughts?

Make sure that you comment with your thoughts! I love meeting new people and enjoy hearing their perspectives on all topics. You only enrich my life by adding thoughtful responses.

Remember that at the end of the day, we get into relationships to have someone in our corner to support and love us as we support and love them. If it feels like we are always at odds without any resolution then you may be caught in this trap of someone wanting to be right instead of together. Remember also that being together does not mean to just give up and not present your thoughts. You should work to build an understanding together and create new meanings. You both deserve love and support so give each other that instead of opposition for the sake of being "right".