WIMI: Old or New Family

What is more important? Old Family or New Family?

I have been seeing a lot of videos about what a person’s priority should be when it comes to their significant other versus really anyone else. This is something that I had to handle myself and I think it is easy to say that this is an all or nothing thing, but I have realized that both can exist in my time figuring out my old family dynamic and how to honor my wife. Learning to set healthy boundaries and expectations allowed me to put my wife as the priority and keep a healthy relationship with my “old” family.

Idea of “Old” Family

When I say “old” family I mean the family you were born with. These are the people that some higher power (the universe, God, Allah, etc…) chose for you. No matter whether you have happy or sad memories - they were put into your life to teach you some lesson so that you could hopefully become a better person. The greatest people in the world had gone through some sort of strife in the early days of their lives because they learned and became the captains of their destiny. A person must eventually leave the nest of their old family and become reborn into their new family. The family you choose is the “new” family.

Idea of “New” Family

When I say “new” family I mean the people who you choose to be close to. These are your close friends who “feel like family” and obviously the person who you decide to build a family with. When I say build a family I do not necessarily mean having kids and all that - it can be taken as the person who you decide to spend the rest of your life with. This person or “life partner” is the core of your new family because this is the person who you decided is the most top priority. This person should reciprocate all that you do for them, because there must always be an equal exchange of energy and effort. Your new family is always fluid with people coming in and out of it at different times of your life - although old family members can do this too.

Idea of Setting Boundaries and Expectations

I believe that sometimes you have to set hard boundaries. These are non-negotiable rules that protect your peace with your new family. 

NOTE! When we talk about your life partner, they should always only enhance your life. There are a lot of different ways to enhance someone else’s life and this could be with some hard truths. When your partner shares something about a toxic relationship you have with your family and you recognize how it could be toxic, make sure you take the time to reflect. You should always be focused on living a full and loving life.

When my family or friends expressed negative feelings for my wife that were not warranted or accurate - I set a hard boundary. Since it is my old family, it is my job to set the boundaries. This is not a matter of defending someone who cannot defend themselves, this is a matter of taking responsibility for the people who are directly related to me. I would expect this from my wife when it comes to her family as well. 

When you set a boundary you need to ensure that you are making people aware of the expectations so that they know. This might seem obvious but I have seen and heard of too many times when people set a boundary by ignoring people when they do something that violates that boundary, but the boundary was never clearly stated or expressed. How can you justify holding someone accountable to a boundary if they don’t explicitly know about it. 

Although I will say one thing I did after setting a boundary I just stopped reaching out to my family. I never sent a text saying F you all and don’t reach out, but I just stopped being the one opening the door for communication. I realized that I was giving more energy than I was given and I would get drained and resentful. My wife helped me to realize what was going on and when I balanced out my energy with them it allowed for me to re-enter my old family with a renewed understanding that was healthier.

A metaphor I developed was thinking of communication as a house. Now I simply leave the door open to communication in case they want to walk through it and talk. Before, I would stand their holding the door open and then run out to the sidewalk to engage with them. Once I stopped doing that and saw my family for who and what they were (this is judgement free, people are who they are, they just are) then I could make peace with how we communicated.

My wife pointed this out to me initially and allowed for my reflection. Make sure you set clear expectations and boundaries.

What are your thoughts on what is more important? How do you see bridging the gap between the two families? Comment and lets have a discussion 🙂

Western society always pits one thing against the other when two things are meant to co-exist in relation to each other. What that balance looks like is up to you and only you can decide. Always choose your own happiness and remember everyone in your life, new and old, should want to help you be your best self.